The command for a husband to love his wife and for the wife to respect her husband is not a suggestion. The need for redeemed humanity in their marital unions to carry this out is based on the curse that was pronounced upon Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden after disobeying God. Apart from Christ, the sinful nature that we inherited (both man and woman) at the fall, causes us today to operate independently of our mate. The curse spoken over the woman and all generations of women after her is recorded in Genesis 3:16: “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” This curse upon an unredeemed woman brings her into a different relational role with her husband. By way of the curse, she is now subservient to her husband. She is to submit, she is to be in subjection (See Col. 3:18; 1Pet. 3:1). To draw a distinction, a child is to listen and obey the command of a parent. A wife was to make herself available for the accepting or rejecting of her offer to serve her husband.

What does this mean? According to scripture, sin fulfills its desire with our consent for execution (See Gen. 4:7; Jam. 1:14). Likewise, due to the curse that came upon the woman, her desires would need to be met through her husband, with his consent. Put another way: ‘Eve even as sin did not come about without your consent to act, neither will your desires come about without Adam’s consent to follow through with it.’

Why is this important? Why is this a curse? For the woman, not only would she no longer have that mutual relationship with her spouse whereby she freely carries out her desires and feelings which were in unison with her husband, but now they must be approved by her spouse. It is the husband’s yay or nay that would determine what would be the course of action she is to take for the benefit and blessing of the family. “…He will rule over you.” 

However, Christ can still be seen through these positions if we choose to honor Him in them. It is in the wife's desire to entrust her own desires into the care of her husband for their family out of respect for his position. It is in the husband's willingness out of love for her to lay down not his position but his right to dictate in order to behold her love response. I am reminded of a famous quote by William Golding: “Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.”  The thought here is that first, he must give it, then she to the glory of the God who provides it, will with God’s help grow it. 

Today in Christ, we desire this mutuality in our marital unions. Where both are in agreement and looking to God. The Lord may speak to or through either husband or wife to give counsel. Yet a wife in reverential fear (respect) of her husband does not so quickly speak her mind about his leadership. She is mindful of what she says and how she says it to him. However, because she is loved, she knows that she can do so at liberty without fear of bitter resentment in return (See Col. 3:19). The respect that she gives her husband demonstrates that she is mindful of his contributions and how they benefit her and those around her. She has more than regarded his presence and the better he brings to her life. Therefore she makes way for him by seeking to respect his time, finances, needs, ideas, pursuits, and things. While the husband’s love for his wife seems to say: ‘Yet in all of this at any minute will I not lay it down for you when you have need of me? I even look to sacrifice it for you. I put you before me.’ 

Throughout scripture, this mutuality even beyond a marriage has been beautiful when mankind has been in agreement to walk righteously. The topic of an agreement for righteousness versus an agreement to do evil will be discussed in a later post. To close out, I also shared in part in a Facebook post that a biblical definition of respect and love is not based on a person's feelings at any particular moment. Christ can be seen, even when you may feel that you are loving someone who clearly does not respect you, and when you are respecting someone who clearly does not love you. The cross is difficult but beautiful.